7 Simple Ways to Connect with Difficult Students
Teachers love their students. It’s how we’re made. We have hearts built for teaching with room inside for all kinds of students. Yes, even the difficult ones. We love all of our students and want the best for them.
That doesn’t mean it’s easy to connect with all of our students.
Connecting with difficult students, those who challenge us in many ways, isn’t easy. But it is essential. When you succeed in building connections with your difficult students, the reward is huge.
Over the years, I’ve taught my share of difficult students. Just like you. I tried new ways to be proactive and avoid meltdowns or disruptions before they happened, Just like you. I worked hard at creating a positive and supportive environment for those students and sought out support for both the students and myself. Just like I hope you do.
We all need support. We also need proven strategies and methods to help us reach even the most difficult students.
Today, I’m sharing seven simple but effective things I’ve done to build connections with those students who challenged me the most.
Be patient with difficult students
This seems obvious, but understand that no matter what your natural level of patience, it will be tested. There will be times when you feel you’ve run out of patience.
Dig deep and find more.
If you feel you’ve reached your limit with a student, step away. Simply breathe or ask a peer to look in on your class while you walk the hall.
Going past your limit places you in a zone that isn’t good for you or your student. Those are the moments you’ll make rash decisions or say things you’ll later regret. The result? More negative behavior from the student.
This level of patience takes practice. Make sure you’re starting from a place of rest. Exhausted or depleted before the day begins? You’re operating from a deficit. Take the time for self-care. Caring for yourself allows you to better care for all of your students - including and especially the difficult ones.
Establish routines and schedules
Research clearly shows that kids thrive when they have well-established routines. Routines create boundaries. They allow children to find comfort in the familiar. This is especially true for students with behavior issues. These students crave stability and predictability to avoid feeling out of control.
Consistent routines are one of the best strategies for avoiding behavior management issues. Not managing them or diffusing them after they happen. Avoiding them before they start. I’ve found that even the most difficult students do well when they know what to anticipate each day.
Learn more about the benefits of setting routines and tips on how to keep them.
Be consistent with all students
I know. Being consistent may be one of the hardest aspects of managing dozens of children at once. It’s also the most important.
Your students need to know that you mean what you say. They need to know you are trustworthy. Your students need to see they can rely on you for the small things in order to be comfortable trusting you with the big things.
Yes, it’s easy to give in to circumstances or let behaviors slide once in a while, especially if you’re pressed for time and need to move on.
Don’t give in! Those are the moments that erode your students’ trust. And winning that trust back takes a lot more time than addressing the behavior when it happens or following through on a consequence.
When you establish a schedule, stick to it. When you introduce rules for classroom behavior, enforce them. And when you assign consequences for breaking rules, follow through - even when it’s tough.
Take a close look at your response to all of your students’ behaviors. Are your “good” students held accountable for their behavior just like your difficult students? Build trust through consistency with ALL of your students.
Develop personal connections with difficult students
This is huge! As teachers, we do our best to get to know our students. We uncover their academic strengths and weaknesses and discover how they learn best. We spend time finding out what interests them. Connecting with most of your students comes naturally.
Connecting with your most difficult students takes more. More time and more effort. You need to go a step further to connect with a difficult student. Look for big and small ways to interact one on one with that student.
Some strategies that worked well for me:
At the end of the day, leave a personal note inside the student’s desk for her to find when she arrives the next day. This sets a positive tone at the beginning of the day and, when done consistently, gives your student something to look forward to.
Create an open, running dialogue through the use of a two-way journal your student can write in when he is most frustrated. Establish a system for the student to turn the notebook in to you discreetly and set a time when you will respond. Learn more about how you can use writing to improve your relationships with students.
Schedule a regular lunch date. Invite your difficult student back to the classroom to eat lunch and discuss her progress every so often. Other times, take your lunch to the cafeteria and eat with your entire class, but sit next to that student so she feels special. See this post for tips on creating a successful Lunch Bunch.
Find another staff person the student admires and allow time for mentoring. For my boys, I tried to find a male teacher the student liked who was willing to check in regularly. This can be as simple as letting the student visit the other teacher’s class during the last five minutes of each day. The other teacher would ask my student about his day and provide positive feedback about good choices. Guidance counselors are also wonderful resources for possible mentors.
Attend an after school activity. I know, you’re busy. I understand. But, this is a surefire way to gain the respect of your students and to show you really care. I once had an especially difficult class where several of my boys played together on the school’s football team. I found out when their next home game was and showed up. The boys were impressed that I took the time to show up, and they treated me differently every day after. Trust me - find a time to work a game, recital, or match into your schedule. You won’t regret it.
Provide difficult students with the right tools
We spend so much time focused on teaching reading, writing, and arithmetic. Sometimes we forget students need to be taught basic life skills, too.
It’s easy to assume students are being taught at home how to manage feelings, respond to disappointment, and treat others with respect.
This may not be the case.
Don’t assume students who act out do so because they enjoy it. Understand that oftentimes disruptive behaviors occur when students simply don’t know the right way to express what they are feeling.
Provide students with tools for managing frustration as it occurs. This helps diffuse little sparks before they turn into raging fires.
In my classroom, I taught students to use this form when they felt a problem brewing. It’s short and to the point. Students identify the issue, its possible causes, and how they might manage it. This teaches students to reflect and proactively manage feelings rather than allow problems to fester and consume them.
Students complete the form in just a few minutes away from peers or situations they are finding difficult. The student then brings the form to you and you talk it through together at an appropriate time.
Every student is different. Every difficult student is different. Take time to try different tools with your students to find what works best. Equipping difficult students with the right tools to manage their own behavior can be a game changer for them and for you.
Create a strong home-school connection
Building a connection with a difficult student’s parents can go a long way toward building a strong connection between you and the student.
Taking the time and making the effort to build this connection can be challenging for many reasons. Sometimes, difficult students come with difficult parents. It’s natural and understandable to be hesitant to reach out to difficult parents. Then there’s time. Teachers juggle so many competing demands each day it’s easy to let parent phone calls slide. Despite the challenges, creating a connection with a difficult student’s parent or caregiver is too important to put aside.
One solution I put into place was the use of reflection sheets. Students who were experiencing behavioral challenges would complete a reflection sheet at the end of each day. These sheets ask students to reflect on areas in which they struggled and identify how they can make better choices the following day. These sheets were stapled inside students’ agendas where parents would go over them and sign them. They could also leave a comment for me.
It’s vital that you acknowledge positive choices being made throughout the day. Realize that parents of a difficult student rarely receive compliments or positive feedback about their child. With this in mind, I created a companion page to the reflection sheets. Students list one area that went well for them, note how they were able to make positive choices, and identify a way to continue that behavior the next day. This form also went home in agendas so parents could praise their student for a job well done.
I found the sheets often worked better than phone calls home. Students had a record of great behavior they could look back on throughout the year.
Make the decision to like difficult students
This last strategy is important.
Yes, some students are difficult. Yes, some student behaviors push all our buttons. And yes, our classrooms would be more peaceful, pleasant places to teach and learn without some students. But…
All students deserve to feel valued, welcomed, and cared for. And all students have something inside of them you can connect with and build on.
Your students deserve to feel loved and liked. All of them. And that means making a conscious decision every day - sometimes many times a day - to like that difficult student.
Closing note...
Following these steps won’t solve every behavior management problem that arises during the year. What they will do is go a long way toward creating a positive environment in which ALL students feel noticed and valued.
When you care for yourself, you are better able to care for your students. Are you making time for self-care and rest? Look for ways to organize, plan, and simplify in order to make time in your schedule for you. Need help? I support teachers just like you with courses, resources, tips, and strategies that help you achieve balance. Check out my collection of blog posts and resources.
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